i want to explain my feelings, and what ive communicated to my partner. i also want to be respectful towards your partner and your relationship.
i want to be clear to you, that i conceptualize you and us as a deep friendship. i am not thinking of you as someone i want to pursue in a romantic or sexual sense, nor am i thinking of you as an aquaintance. i think of you as a best friend that i love. i think this is important to clarify so you can understand where i'm coming from / what i think i want.
i feel confused, and overwhelmed. not because of you, but because of my feelings. i have been mindful of the overwhelming feelings in my body. early on i acknowledge the sort of idealizing / limerence i was putting on to you, and tried to write out my thoughts to counter this constant tendency of mine. i found myself constantly trying to pull back from letting my feelings overcome me, and at the same time i also felt really assured by you, and by the experience we had, and by my new conception of love, and my attempt to be more honest and truthful with myself, and my attempt to not compartmentalize, and so I found myself "letting it all go" (that yung lean song). i have been trying to discern what these feelings exactly are.. are they romantic? are they platonic? what do those words even mean? why has this situation happened before with other people while i'm in a relationship or not? I realized i know the answer to none of these questions, and not even on a surface websterdefinition-level until now. so i have been towing the line of being true to my feelings, vs trying to figure out the what/why of these feelings. so in the letter i wrote to you i said "I love you" and i said to myself that was okay since we said it in cuba. but im starting to think it was unfair to everyone.. the content blurred the romantic platonic line. and in the last voice message i sent to you i felt very happy that you felt good about our friendship, and i said that i always had a feeling we would become good friends-- but maybe this is a romantic thought. or at least these two events may come across that way, im not sure that they are romantic. So after these two events I thought maybe I should relax. let me reflect on this last sentence and come back to explaining this. i will now share about my partner and i.
since i came back to cuba i felt depressed. and i was trying to figure out why, and i was shutting out my partner because i didn't understand why i was feeling depressed. when i thought about it more, its because (which you and I have talked about) i thought i was going to have to terminate the emotional intimacy that you and i have cultivated. i realized i was also shutting my partner out because i thought if i told her i want to be more emotionally open with anybody (at the time i was thinking of you, but really i was thinking of all the experiences i've had), then she would want to end things. in reality, she has always considered her best friends as romantic friendships, and there was not really a problem. i had internalized my relationship to monogamy so much that i was projecting. i don't know if that makes sense. so what im saying is she was actually fine with my proposition, and was upset that i had been emotionally unavailable since i came back. that i didn't communicate more directly. we talked about boundaries. we agreed to these terms: there is no emotional intimacy boundary, and physically the boundary does not permit sexual acts. i expressed that i do not want to be polyamorous in the sense that i do not want another relationship. i said i am open to share specifics to her, but she hasn't asked much. so i would be open to share more about the level of our conversations and expressions, and told her that, but she seems fine a level of vagueness. with each other (partner--Clare-- and i), we are working on how to best meet each others needs. so before Cuba and now we are still working through other issues. we are trying to communicate honestly and directly, so i am trying to cultivate that space and prompt that communication, while she is trying to communicate her true feelings and be openness about any jealousy, etc.
in regards to our boundaries, that is something i want to hear from you. bc you said "dont worry too much" which to me indicates that you may have some idea of those boundaries. its nice to hear your partner and you have been talking openly. and if this relationship is recent (or not), its nice to hear you have someone being supportive and loving to you. in regards to my boundaries, i wrote above what me and clare have agreed on. but its pretty vague. im trying not too impose too much on to you, trying not to give you obligation/expectation, and trying not to lean on you, and trying not to be overly romantic. i feel really safe with you, and i hope you can communicate really openly and direct with me. i want to be transparent about my feelings and my tendencies.
in essence, i feel great about developing boundaries, for your comfort, and also for my sanity? to be clear, i don't want to form a relationship, to be sexually involved, and i feel good about the label "friendship". i guess my uncertainty maybe revolves around what is acceptable to say and express. can i say "i love you"? can i tell you/propose that we should take a road trip together? can we hold hands or cuddle? can i make you cute gifts? what is respectful to you and to your partner and your relationship?
in conclusion, i dont know how all this platonic/romantic/friendship/relationship stuff comes to a head. the lines have been so blurred in my head bc im trying to figure it all out, and im also deconstructing it, and i think thats a good thing. but in it i may have been making you uncomfortable, bending any undeclared boundaries, and pushing the limits of personal definitions.
im sorry for my crazy mind and my long form thoughts. and im sorry if i've been making you or your partner feel uncomfortable.
- cal